xpw:

so today at work I cleaned this old man’s golf clubs and I thought he was getting his wallet out of his bag but instead he pulls out this giant plastic target bag of yellow plums. he tipped us in yellow plums. he told us not to tell anyone we had these and I looked them up because they were so good and these plums are illegal in the US. I got tipped in illegally imported plums. 

(via devbneo)

dreamyblu:

after u watch the anaconda video

image

(via bottomvich)

tsunamiwavesurfing:

i seen someone on here say “daddy spank me like an almost empty ketchup bottle” and since then i just been usin a knife to get the sauce out the bottle

(via singingsh0wtunes)

beyoncempire:

when u accidentally laugh at a joke about u

image

(Source: beyoncempire, via tyleroakley)

nickelbackthatassup:

don’t trust college kids. I threw a party w plenty of food/drinks shit even weed and I wake up and you know what’s missing? my pineapple. who went to the back of my fridge and said imma take all this pineapple. damn son. take the free alcohol not my pineapple man…

(via peevesies)

"I think there comes a time when you meet someone and you just want to make them smile for the rest of your life."

— Unknown (via psych-facts)

(via justaboat)

after-crisis:

When I worked at a non-profit that handled suicide prevention, I had access to the donation records. Each month, a specific man donated 15$ to our organization. It was like clockwork.. same day, same man, he had been doing this for over 4 years. It always seemed odd to me but I never questioned it… until I saw a note attached one month. "For Noah- Dad"

his donation was once his child’s allowance.

I can promise you, they would miss you for the rest of their lives.

(via nativeslocally)